NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS FOOTBALL SCHEDULE FOR 2000

September 10 -- Marlborough High School September 17 -- Cub Scout Pack #101 September 24 -- New England Academy For the Blind October 01 -- Spanish American War Vets October 08 -- Crippled Children's Home October 15 -- Boston Culinary Arts Academy October 22 -- Worcester AIDS and VD Clinic #1 October 29 -- Hartford Junior High School November 05 -- Girl Scout Troop #69 November 12 -- Acton Seniors Bridge Club November 19 -- ICM School of Business Choir November 26 -- Korean War Veteran Amputees December 03 -- Associated Master Plumbers December 11 -- New England Patriot's Cheerleaders (SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME) December 17 -- Clarissa School of Fashion Design December 24 -- Barbizon School of Modeling

RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR:

  1. When playing the Girl Scouts, Patriots must not eat their cookies.
  2. When playing the Blind Academy, Patriots must not hide football under their jerseys.
  3. When playing the Korean War Veteran Amputees, Patriots must not file protest about players with one leg being harder to tackle.

RULES NOT CHANGED FROM LAST YEAR:

  1. Touchdown is still worth 6 points. (For all you Patriot fans whom have never seen one, this is when the ball is carried over the goal line).
  2. The Patriots will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
  3. The Patriots will be allowed to substitute with High School Glee Club Members at any time during the course of the game.
  4. The Patriots will be allowed 20 time-outs per half as opposed to 3 for all other teams.
  5. The Patriots will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more.

COACHING CHANGE: The new Head Coach will now be Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few at first but she will not choke up on the big ones.

NAME CHANGE: The NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS name will be changed to the: New England Tampons, as they are only good for one period and do not have a second string.